All's fair in love and war
by iEATfood
Summary: prequel to tasks of Raj. Raj and Patsy vie over who gets to go with Lazlo to the fair. eventual rajpatsy
1. Chapter 1

"Oh Lazlo?"

Lazlo's face slid from an expression of amiable joy to a poker face. It wasn't that he didn't like Patsy, he liked everybody, it was just that the way she acted confused him and scared him a bit. He understood the giggling, he giggled a lot too. He could even stand the eyelash fluttering.

"Hey Lazlo?"

But it was the voice that got to him the most she always talked to him just a little bit differently.

"Yes Patsy?" he replied.

"Do you like ice creeeaam?" she asked giggling drawing out words in a way that she thought was arousing.

"Yea…"

"Do you wanna go with me to that ice cream shop in prickly pines? I hear they make great rocky road!"

"Well.."

Then Raj attacked. He didn't so much attack as appear suddenly shouting. Patsy realized that he must have been there the whole time she just didn't notice. he wasn't Lazlo so she didn't really look at him.

"No, Lazlo does not want to eat _ice cream_!" he was saying pronouncing the word ice cream like it was something dreadful "Lazlo doesn't like to eat _ice cream_!"

"But I do…" Lazlo interrupted.

"Lazlo wants to hang out with us, his bestest friends!" Raj huffed.

"Friends" echoed Clam.

"And we have very important things to do we have no time for _ice cream_!"

"Oh ok" she sighed feeling disappointed, some part of her felt angry though. She wished she could hit him, but Lazlo was a nice guy and it wouldn't do for her to not be a nice person. She sighed again then left.

Raj let out a breath of relief wiping invisible sweat from his brow in a an exaggerated way "whew! That was close"

"Close" repeated Clam dutifully.

"What was close?" asked Lazlo. Usually it was just patsy that confused him but now his friends where acting crazy as well.

Raj gave Lazlo a _look_, Clam after a split second of careful study copied the _look_ and aimed it at Lazlo even though he didn't know what Raj was on about.

Raj shook his head and went: "tsk tsk tsk"

"Tsik!" went Clam in a commendable effort to stay part of the conversation.

"It does not do for a bean scout to go eat ice cream with a girl scout!" Raj continued.

"Why what could happen?" asked Lazlo naively

Raj gave him another _look_, like how could you _not _know. "Marriage." He replied.

"What?!"

"Marriage! It happened to my cousin we never saw him again!"

Lazlo's hands came up to frame his face. His mouth turned into an O "gasp! Really?"

"Yes, he moved to Lahore" Raj added. "But that is beside the point! Lazlo I just saved you from a fate worse than death."

"I don't know…"

"And you are eternally grateful I know"

"I think she was just being friendly"

"Huh!"

"She doesn't even like me like that"

"Hah!"

"We're friends"

"Yes but we're BEST friends, Lazlo. You prefer us"

"I do?"

"Immensely so"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

So pasty ate ice cream all by herself. Oh, her friends were there but they didn't count, not in the grand scheme of things, not in the eternal battle of love. She sighed again.

"I don't see what you like about him" Gretchen was saying, "Boys are gross"

She scooped up more ice cream than was humanly possible to balance on a spoon and gulped it down with calculated efficiency.

"Not to mention weird," added Nina while tracing crop circles into her sundae.

"Lazlo is never weird" patsy said with another sigh.

Her friends gave each other a side long glance Lazlo was one of the weirdest. Lazlo liked to dance around with a fruit basket on his head, Lazlo worshiped minor camp based deities, he talked to bears, and he once for a good three hours believed he was a robot.

Nina tried to change the subject. "Hey, did'ja hear? There's going to be a fair here this Friday!"

"Huh!" Gretchen snorted.

"Maybe I can go with laaaazzlo" patsy closed her eyes savoring the thought. Her and Lazlo walking hand in hand eating caramel apples he wins her a teddy (even though she's perfectly capable of winning one herself) and maybe afterwards there'll be fireworks…

…And Raj running screaming through the background.

She snapped out of her reverie "Raj!"

"Who?" asked Nina looked up from her comic book?

"Raj! Lazlo's prissy little friend!" patsy remembered her encounter with him from earlier "I was just asking Lazlo if he wanted to come with me to get ice cream and he practically chewed my head off. I swear he's trying to keep us from getting together."

"Why would he do that?"

"I don't know he's _evil_"

Anyone who'd get in the way of love had to be.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Raj, Clam and Lazlo played chess. Technically you couldn't play chess with three players but that limitation only applied to people who played by the rules.

'" I believe you are standing on my block"' said a black bishop, sounding amazingly like Raj while doing so.

'"Oh I'm sorry is this your block?"' said an ivory king. Lazlo moved him up and down to make him look like he's talking.

Just then a handful of pawns spilled across the checkered panorama.

"Peasant's revolting!" explained Clam.

"That not a very nice thing to say about them, Clam" giggled Lazlo.

They all laughed at their cheesy joke.

Currently Raj was glad that he had chased away Patsy. Had Lazlo gone off with Patsy and eloped, Raj tended to exaggerate events even in his own head, they wouldn't be here playing pretend chess.

All was well so long no crazy mongeeses (his English was good, but not that good) were dragging away his best friend.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Nina and Gretchen had placed bets on whether on not Lazlo _would_ go to the carnival with patsy with the added stakes of Raj trying to stop her things would be interesting…

They were walking with patsy toward jellybean cabin. Patsy walked determinedly she was a girl on a mission.

She saw Lazlo playing around near the lake. She checked to see if Raj was there. He was. She gave a little groan and shuffled up to Lazlo. Raj eyed her warily.

"Hey Lazlo!" she giggled.

"Oh hey, Patsy!" he grinned.

_He so likes me_, she thought. all she had to do was tell him about it and he'll ask to take her himself.

She fidgeted with a strand of her pink hair "didja hear?..."

Raj wasn't just eyeing her he was ear-lobing and trunking her as well. That is to say every part of him stood to rapt attention waiting to hear what she was going to say.

Lazlo, on the other hand, was inching away from her slowly just in case they ended up tying the knot. "Hear what?"

"There's going to be a street fair in prickly pines this Friday"

Lazlo stopped inching away "wow! Really?!"

"Yea!"

"That is awesome!"

"I know!"

"…"

"Um … isn't there someone you want to take to the fair?"

"Well…" Lazlo thought about it.

"_I would very much like to go_!!" jutted in Raj his face a mask of fear.

"Oh yea duh!" Lazlo giggled "Raj! And Clam of course"

"Not them I meant…"

"I guess Sampson would wanna come too." Lazlo pondered this. in his head was an ever growing list of campers who would want to go the fair.

Raj noticed the annoyed look on patsy's face and egged Lazlo on. "Don't forget skip and chip!"

"…And Edward we can _never_ forget Edward!" added Lazlo.

"Ping-pong and Dave!"

"Larry, luie, liniment…"

"Harold, milt!"

"..Sheldon, Fred…"

"Ted…"

"You know…" Lazlo interrupted "we could ask Slinkman to take us all in the bus, ALL us bean scouts!" Lazlo smiled ecstatically.

"Lazlo!" yelled patsy losing her cool. She saw Lazlo's shocked expression and calmed down "look I meant … don't you think there any _squirrel scouts_ who might like to go?"

"Wellllllllll" Lazlo thought about it he didn't know many squirrel scouts "Nina likes space rides…"

"Oh forget it!" patsy huffed and walked away.

Raj grinned as he watched her go.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

That's it!

This is war!

Thought patsy. She tied her 'ninjutsu kung fu bok choy' red belt around her forehead and steeled her self she would go out with Lazlo over Raj's dead body!

_A/N) Raj and Pasty, I'm not sure I write them right. oh well, hang on to your seats and bear with me… _


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: finally got around to finishing this chapter I have to thank my sister, she's a real Raj nut, and the only other person who actually likes this pairing as much as me. _

5:00: Raj

5:30: Raj

6:00: Clam

6:30: Clam

7:00: Raj

7:30: Raj

8:00: Fireworks/ watch with Raj then clam

"What's this?" asked Lazlo looking at the piece of paper Raj was holding up. It was written in the meticulously obsessive handwriting of someone who had tried very hard to keep all the letters the right size.

"It's a schedule!" Raj pointed out.

"You like schedules" Lazlo said knowingly.

Raj glared at Lazlo then sighed "it's a schedule so you know _who_ to hang out with during the fair"

"I don't need a schedule, Raj"

Raj narrowed his eyes then laughed, "_everybody_ needs a schedule!" he put his arm around Lazlo "especially important business men like you" he suggested.

Lazlo's face brightened up. "I'm a business man!" he grinned at Raj "I'm the head of the banana plantation!" he stated.

"Yes you are!"

"And you Raj you can be my assistant. Clam will work the banana making machine! He's head engineer!"

"Banana!" said Clam.

"Raj, assistant number one, reporting for duty!" Raj saluted.

And they ran the imaginary banana plantation with hardly a hitch until...

Patsy came in clutching her hands behind her "hey, Lazlo, can I talk to you?"

"Do you have an appointment?" asked Raj furiously.

Patsy gritted her teeth at the sight of him "what?!"

"I'm the monkey with the keys to the banana plantation!" Lazlo informed her looking very much like a monkey with the keys to the banana plantation.

Raj waved the schedule in her face "Lazlo is a very important business man and cannot be talking to just anyone!"

Behind Patsy, Clam was pulling and pushing imaginary levers.

"He _just_ talked to me Raj!" she told him "I just want to ask him something"

"_You _want to go hang out with Lazlo at the fair but you can't" he showed her the schedule. "Lazlo is booked full"

One of Patsy's eyes twitched. "You wrote that yourself!"

"What is your point?"

She pulled her arm back and curled her hand into fist. He didn't notice the incoming prospect of pain until it was too late.

"Uh oh" he cringed.

BLAM!

Raj slammed into the opposite wall.

"Wow" said Lazlo impressed.

Patsy's lip quivered and she stormed out of the cabin.

"That wasn't very nice Raj," said Lazlo sullenly.

Raj stared at Lazlo in disbelief "she is the one who hit me!" he started to pry himself off the wall grumbling. He did this for Lazlo; to save him from matrimony so that the three of them would be friends forever, and this is the thanks he gets?

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Gretchen and Nina where lying on their beds reading comic books when Patsy ran in, threw herself on the bed, and started crying.

"Told ja," Gretchen said to Nina.

"I hit Raj!" Patsy wailed.

"Good" snorted Gretchen.

"You don't understand!" said patsy "Lazlo will hate me now!"

Nina and Gretchen looked at each other. Nina carefully closed her comic book "but you've hit Lazlo more than once. I don't see…"

"That's different," sobbed Patsy and it was, when she hit Lazlo it was part of his training as her future husband. But hitting his friends that was another thing entirely he might never forgive her.

What could she have done? Raj was annoying. She sobbed a bit more. Gretchen patted her reassuringly on the back looking a bit uncomfortable while doing so.

Patsy sighed "I guess there won't be any fireworks for me."

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"Owww" Raj whined hoping for some attention, maybe even a hug.

Lazlo and Clam rolled their eyes and tried to ignore him.

"My poor unoffending back…" Raj complained.

"It was your own fault Raj" Lazlo started.

Raj raged, "That beast nearly killed me!"

"You were trying to make her mad, it wasn't very nice"

"Was not!"

"I don't see what else you were doing"

"I was saving your life!"

Lazlo looked at him doubtfully. Raj grabbed the monkey's shoulders and pulled him closer "she's evil!" he hissed.

"She's planning to steal you away! And then where would I be?"

Lazlo smiled softly at his best friend "Raj, I'm not going anywhere. It doesn't matter who else I hang out with. You and Clam will always be my bestest friends ever!"

Raj looked at him eyes wide and lips quivering.

Then he sighed "fine!" and walked out the cabin into the crisp mountain air "humph!" he felt slightly annoyed at Lazlo for siding with Patsy but, well, maybe he was right. Maybe he had hurt her feelings. Raj thought about this. It wasn't like she ever cared about his feelings. he kicked at a pile of leaves. She barely knew he existed, it kinda annoyed him.

Although she had never hurt his feelings…

He changed directions and headed toward acorn flats, it wouldn't hurt to apologize …

He reached patsy's cabin, compared to the shacks the bean scout slept in, it was a suite. He peeked through the window. Patsy was there, looking troubled, combing her hair in front of a vanity mirror while talking to her two friends. Patsy had amazing hair, Raj thought, obsessive compulsive maniac that he was he had a great appreciation for the amount of neurotic pampering it took to keep that pouf of hers in order.

Raj pulled out the schedule he had made for Lazlo and looked at it.

&&&

Patsy was combing her hair; it tended to sooth her nerves. She was also not listening to Nina tell her about episode ninety-eight, telling patsy about her favorite sci-fi shows was Nina's way of making her feel better.

"And that's when the commander knew that he'd been in love with wrong galactic princess the whole time…"

Gretchen, who was lying on her back on her bed, groaned "if I hear one more thing about love I'm gonna puke!"

And because she had been _not_ listening to Nina so hard she was the first one who heard the soft crumpling noise. "What was that?"

They all turned toward the door. Someone on the other side was trying to slip a paper under it.

Patsy opened the door.

Which is a very evil thing to do when there's someone on the other side stuffing a piece of paper under it.

The door jammed against something, there was a scream. Patsy looked around the door. It was Raj with his fingers stuck under the door, his face a mask of shock and pain.

He looked up at her and seemed to freak out. He yanked himself free and ran away screaming. The sound woke up miss mucus, who instantly raised the 'bean scout in squirrel territory' alarm and took chase.

"What was that all about?" Patsy looked down at the paper Raj had left; she picked it up and uncrumpled it. It read:

5:00: Raj

5:30: Raj

6:00: Clam

6:30: Clam

7:00: Raj

7:30: Raj

8:00: Fireworks/ watch with Raj then clam

But the last session with Raj including the fireworks had been crossed out and replaced with a 'Patsy's time with Lazlo'

Patsy stared at the paper for a while. she didn't seem to comprehend it at first and then: "wow!"

"What is it?" Asked Nina.

"I think I just got a date with Lazlo!"

Nina grinned "that's great!"

"..Courtesy of Raj" patsy added showing her friends the schedule.

Gretchen raised an eyebrow "courtesy of Raj? What is he his keeper?!"

"Apparently" said Patsy uncomfortably. "I guess he's trying to apologize. it's…kinda sweet in a weird way"

So here she was, by some mere happenstance she had gotten a date with the love of her life thanks to his best friend.

"I gotta go fix up my hair!" she rushed back into the cabin.


End file.
